


Return of the stick

by KuroXan



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Barbarian Tweek Tweak, Bromance, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Slow Build, Stick of Truth AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 03:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17093309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroXan/pseuds/KuroXan
Summary: The ex lord of darkness needs to send his best friend off for the thief's safety. Craig has the worse time surviving in the woods and it only got worse when he meets a certain blonde barbarian.On indefinite hiatus





	Return of the stick

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic so sorry if it's super bad. I might do art for this fic depending on how it goes.
> 
> If anyone can think of a better summary please leave it in the comments. I'm horrible at summaries

A door slammed open revealing the lord of darkness or at least, the ex lord of darkness normally known as Clyde. Said ex lord walked to the window and gazed out. The thief wasn't exactly asleep but he had been resting on his bed when his lord stormed in uninvited. He forced his eyes open and sat up on his bed to look at his lord. This wasn't the first time so the thief wasn't shocked in the slightest.

“You have your own bed you know”, the thief spoke with a nasally monotone voice.  
“I know”

“Still bothing you?”, Secret history between the two held within those words.

“I still fear for my life. I know we're neutral with the humans and elves now but we've been a weak Kingdom ever since the war ended. I guess they were nice enough to let us keep this castle and stuff but they don’t really need us, if they wanted they could just kill us and nobody would notice.”, Clyde's stared at two distant Kingdoms, so far they were barely viable. Tears blurred his sight.

“I know, you tell every night”, dispute his words the thief moved his covers and made space for his brown haired companion. “You can sleep with me then, crybaby”

“Craig, you’re the best friend a guy could ever have”, Clyde sobbed his way to the bed and plopped down next to Craig like he had every night since the war ended.

“we're the furthest Kingdom from those two bastards. I'm sure they wouldn’t bother coming here since we don't even have the stick anymore. Honesty, they're too busy fighting each other to even look at us”, Craig's logical words seemed to comfort his friend since he stopped crying and was starting to drift to sleep instead.

Even after the war had ended Craig decided to stay with Clyde in the Kingdom of darkness since there was no way the grand Wizard was going to let Clyde back. As much as he teased the ex lord, he wasn't going to leave him alone to rot in this castle. Even with a few servants, there was no one Clyde could call a friend besides his most trusted thief.

Things right after the war seemed alright. The stick was somewhere in the middle of ocean, humans and elves were at peace. Clyde had still been terrified during the first few weeks but his fears slowly died down until The Grand Wizard had attacked the elves without explanation. The war between the two started all over again. Clyde and Craig decided to just stay out of it but it didn't stop the ex lord from being unable to sleep.

Craig decided not to sleep for a long while. He simply stared up at the unlit ceiling until he got bored and went asleep himself.

* * *

 

 Clyde didn't really understand what was going on when he opened his eyes and found himself in a dark room. He slowly got up, he knew it must have been a dream. He’d never seen this place before. Books littered the walls, the room stank like old socks. He walked around the room and tried to grab a book but found his hands going through them instead.

He heard a sets of footsteps heading his way, one large and heavy and another dainty and light. He heard voices that match those footsteps. He didn't have time to think about who they were, a feeling in his gut told him that he needed to hide. There weren't many places to hide so settled with standing behind a loose bookshelf that hasn't been pushed back the whole way. It was enough out of sight that he felt at least a little concealed.

He heard the drumming of those footsteps come to a halt, voices clearer now that they were in the same room as him. He recognised the two voices. The loud bellowing voice was none other than The Grand Wizard himself.

“I need you to go find him and bring him here to meh so I can kill him”, there was no mistaking that voice, it was definitely Cartman.

“gee, I don't know. He did use to be one of us”, While they aren't close he knew it was Butters.

“He's a dirty fucking traitor Butters, don’t forget that!”, Cartman angrily retorted back. It took Clyde a moment to process what was just said. Wait, were they after him? Oh Christ. They were going to kill him. He knew it. He hasn't done anything wrong since the stick of truth was taken away so why would Cartman want to kill him. Did he hate him that much?

“Golly, if you don't mind me asking. Why do you need to kill Feldspar?”, Clyde started to feel a bit embarrassed that he assumed they were talking about him but it was soon replaced with worry for his blue eyed thief.

“I can't tell you but rest assured, it is so our Kingdom survives. That fucker has something we need”, Heavy foot steps start to head out. “I will be sending you and a few others tomorrow morning, be prepared”

Butters' timid, loyal footsteps follow behind. Clyde couldn't hear them anymore. He slowly dragged himself out of his hiding spot and started looking around again. He needed a clue, anything that would allow him to figure out what the fuck was happening. Something caught his eye and he made his way to a table in the far end of the room.

A stick snapped in half laid there. Clyde had it long enough to know it was the Stick of Truth. He reached down to grab it, familiar temptation filled his mind as his finger inches closer. Before he could make the slightest touch. He felt his finger burn, heat spread up his arm until me managed to force his eyes open.

 

* * *

 

 

Craig was alarmed when he heard Clyde scream beside him. He shot up from his sleeping position and scanned his eyes over the ex lord. Clyde was coated in a layer of sweat, his arm reached up as he screamed in seemingly pain.

Craig grabbed his hand to try to calm down his companion. Clyde suddenly opened his eyes, he stumbled his way into his feet. Craig watched Clyde fumble, seemingly there was no actual threat. Yet.

“Craig?”, Clyde shouted in a panic.

“Yes”, it wasn't exactly posed as a statement or question but Clyde took what he could get.

“You need to get you out of here”, Craig didn't have time to respond, Clyde was already dragging him out of bed. He was suddenly being shoved towards his wardrobe. The ex lord ran out of the room leaving a very confused and baffled thief. He decided to just sit on the floor until Clyde returned.

After a few minutes Clyde did return. “Why haven't you packed?” He screeched behind wet tears.

“Dude, what's going on?”, concern seeping into his voice. He was more worried that Clyde would hurt himself than about else.

“They're coming to kill you. I saw it in my dream but I know it was real”, he sobbed. The thief got up and rested a hand on his lord's shoulder, he gave him a small squeeze of reassurance. Clyde reduced his sobbing to soft whimpers. Craig didn't doubt him at all, not a single hint of disbelief entered his mind.

“Who's going to kill me?”, his monotonous voice manage to stop Clyde's trembling. Clyde wiped his eyes and looked at Craig. Even though his face hasn't changed from his usual state of bland he found it really comforting.

“It’s Eric Cartman”, Clyde spoke slowly as replayed his nightmare over in his mind.

“Of course it’s that fucking tub of lard”, He groaned at hearing the Grand Wizard's name.

“I don't understand why he wants to kill you when he already has the Stick of Truth”, trying to find any motive as to why Eric would want Craig dead.

“He had the fucking stick? I though that shit was meant to be in the middle of the ocean”, he pulled on the flaps of his chullo. He was fucking tired of the whole stick ordeal, it was really nothing but trouble. He sighed in defeat, “I still don't understand, if he has the Stick of truth he could just use it to kill me. He wouldn't have to a travel a week to get here”

“I don't know but we need to get you out of here”, Craig was about to refuse but it was Clyde turn to put his hands on Craig's shoulders. He gripped the taller male's shoulders, the size difference made it a bit awkward. “You always stuck with me even when I was super evil and shit. You stood by me as my right hand man. I should help you this time”

“That's because the fat shit gave me your shit job”, he challenged but they both knew it wasn't true. Clyde made his way to Craig’s wardrobe and started throwing clothes into a bag. He let out a defeated grunt. “Fine but aren't you going to come with me? I'd be a pretty shitty second in command of I let you die instead”

“Umm. While I was running around I thought of a plan”, Clyde shouted across the room as opened some of Craig’s drawers. He random plucked things out that seemed useful but when he opened a particular drawer he slammed it shut. It was Craig's underwater, as close as they were he wasn't gay and that was crossing the line. You don't touch another guys underwater.

“Huh? You thought of a plan. Oh, I feel so much safer already”, he commented blandly with a touch of sarcasm. Clyde immediately faced him with a pout that would put dogs to shame but puppy dogs eyes just don't work on Craig because he didn't give a fuck.

“I have good plans, sometimes”, he tossed Craig the bag but disappointingly he caught it without any problems. He coughed to clear his throat, “Here’s the plan. you're going to leave and go as far as humanly possible. I send the Wizard in the opposite direction and I'll call you back when he's bored of looking for you”

“That's not a very good plan”, Clyde sometimes hatred how blunt of an asshole Craig could be but he had a point, he didn't really know what to do besides sending the thief off because honesty the castle was like the worst place for Craig to stay. As if Craig had read his mind, “Guess I don't have much of a choice. I'll leave for now but I'll come back to check up on things”

“No Craig, you can't come back until it's completely safe. You know how dangerous Cartman is and he has the Stick of Truth. I'll tell you when it's safe”, Clyde started to struggle to get something out of his pocket. He pulled out an amulet, the chain was silver and it held three crystals seemingly welded to metal. A large one in the centre with two smaller ones beside it on either side, all three pink. “Luckily I made this while I was still evil and had the Stick”

“Dude, I'm not a woman and that will clash with my outfit”, Craig inspected the jewellery, so disgusted by its appearance that it showed on his face.

“Hey, this will protect you. It doesn't matter if it's butt ugly. Anyways, this will keep you out of sight from spying spells and I'll be able to tell you when it's safe. It'll glow when you can come back”, Clyde placed the amulet into Craig's hands. Craig mumbled some incoherent words about how the idea was dumb. He took off his hat and pulled the amulet over his head. He was met with searing pain in his neck.

“Ow! What the fuck Clyde”, as he felt warm liquid seep from his neck. He felt like he’d been stabbed and he took off his gloves to feel around. Four protrusions from the chain had pierced into his neck. It was stuck and he wasn't going to be able to get it off without seriously hurting himself. Most of the bleeding had stopped since most of had only been caused by the initial impaling.

“So it does need a little magic to run and it's to stop it from falling off I guess. That's probably why it stabbed you”, Clyde rubbed the back of his neck and gave Craig an apologetic look. Craig merely sighed in defeat, he was really starting to run out of fucks to give. He went around the room and finished the final bits of packing.

“Craig I just want you to know that you’re my best friend and I'm glad you stuck with me the whole time. You know, in case we don't see each other ever again”, Clyde looked Craig straight in the eyes, waiting for the thief’s response.

“I'm coming back. Stop talking like one of us going to die. I'm too smart to die and you’re somehow too dumb to somehow wind up dead”, he threw his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the door, “I'll see you later”

 

* * *

 

 

Maybe he had underestimated how hard staying off the grid would be while nonstop walking for two weeks. His food supply was getting low and so was the little bit of gold he was carrying, he couldn't exactly buy things from any towns since he was trying to keep a low profile. Not that he could even if he wanted to, hardly anyone travel through this section of the wilderness. The canopy was so tight the forest floor was in a constant twilight.

Even with the light obscured he knew it was starting to get late. He was going to need to set up camp which was either sleeping on the floor or on a tree branch but since there were giant dangerous creatures, he was going to have to settle with sleeping up in the trees. Not comfortable but he'd live. He started looking for a place to stay the night, the last thing he wanted was to sleep on a weak branch again.

While looking for an ideal tree he noticed that the density of the trees was starting to thin out.. He could see patches of orange between the leaves. Eventually he reached a clearing, situated in the middle was a village surrounded by a sturdy wall. Craig wondered why there was a village in the middle of nowhere.

He climbed into a tree and made his way closer with the foliage as cover. He noticed someone enter his field of vision. He saw what he was dealing with, barbarians. The man was tall with broad shoulders. Shirtless with war paint across his face, littering his arms and torso. Unevenly cut brown hair and weapon in hand.

The thief groaned while mentally slapping himself once the barbarian guard was out of sight. Of course it was the barbarian nobody else was stupid enough to live in these woods. Craig decided it was best not to deal with the barbarians and he'd just leave as soon as he could in the morning. He decided to just watch them for a bit before getting to sleep.

For barbarians they moved pretty predictably. They just kept walking around the village for 2 hours before swapping with someone else. He yawned loudly and turned back to looking at the stars. At least the barbarians a good view of the universe. He got up from his tree and moved a safer spot to sleep the night away.

Once he gain consciousness he noticed the humid air around him. He opened his eyes to see that the weather had turned for the worst, it was a thick fog. He could barely make out anything a few metres In front of him. Well shit, that meant he'd have to stay where he is. He couldn't risk getting lost, he still need to get back to the castle at some points.

He stayed on his selected branch for the entire day and only until evening was approaching did the fog disperse. He finished the last bit of bread he had before jumping back onto the ground. He needed to plan his way out and now he had to take into account that he was out of food. He could hunt for something but he wasn't familiar with the animals he'd been encountering. He didn't know where he was besides his sense of relative distance and direction from the castle. He didn't know how deep into the forest he was either. He tugged on his hat while he formulated a plan.

His decision was to do what he did best. Steal. He was going to take food from the barbarians and eat that until he gets out and can get food for himself. He'd be in and out without anyone noticing. He left travel bag there so it wouldn't show him down.

He climbed back onto the branch he had perched on the day before.. He waited for the guards to go to their meeting places to swap shift. He used the cover of darkness to simply jump onto wall from the branch. He quietly climbed down. He glance around to get a general bearing of what he was dealing with.

There were nearly no permanent buildings most were well crafted tepee tents. Looked like they were ready to leave as soon as the word is given. The only lighting being a few torches. Craig stealthily made his way one of the only permanent buildings, there's only a few things they’d want permanent buildings for. There wasn't even a lock on the door which a shame since he hasn't picked a lock in such a long time. He opened the door and saw that his prediction was right, it was the village pantry.

It was so dark inside he nearly tripped on a heavy sack, it was filled with some strange sort of dark brown bean. He made his way deeper into the pantry after closing the door behind himself. He was plunged into complete darkness. He pulled a match out of his belt and used that as lighting. He scanned the shelves with his blue eyes, he just needed enough food to last him until he could get out off the forest. He picked out some bread and a bit of dried meat which he not so gracefully shoved into his pockets.

He pressed his ear against the door, once he knew the coast was clear he slowly opened it. It was just as quiet as before. He slipped out and closed the door behind him, he began to make his way back. He looked around the village again, it was pretty big for a barbarian camp. He'd heard stories about how barbarians had many camps that were spread around. This village could probably house about a hundred people.

He was finally approaching wall, he was mentally preparing himself for a climb when he spotted a glint from the corner of his eye. He didn't even have time to register as an arrow launched part him, it almost hit him. He was about to escape but was stopped by a tug at his neck. He looked back to see that the arrow had pinned his cape to a tree. He turned to the figure that approached him.

The first thing he noticed was the crazy and bright blonde hair that the barbarian sported. It was a complete mess with flicks of hair pointing in ever direction. He had the war paint that every barbarian adorned but it was clearly different from the patterns that the guards wore. And those green eyes that glaring at him.

“You dare steal from the Barbarians”, his voice a bit higher than Craig was expecting and he was really trying to sound intimidating.

“I'm no thief”, ideally Craig wanted to get out of the situation without injury. His eyes flickered between the bow pointed towards him and the arrow which was lodged deeply into the bark of the tree that kept him trapped. Even with a smoke bomb it would take too long to pull out the arrow to make an escape.

“if I were a thief would I wear a hat with a bright yellow pompom”, he continues as he Gestures towards his hat.

“That is pretty stupid”, Craig thought he saw the Barbarian’s right eye twitch a little. He was also pretty offended, his hat made him look awesome even if it was extremely impractical.

“Come on, let me go”, holding his hand up in front of his face, trying to appear like an innocent, lost traveller.

“Do you think I'm stupid? I saw you go into it pantry, man”, the barbarian stepped closer with bow in hand. Looks like the thief was caught.

“How'd you find out? Everyone was asleep”, he made sure that no one was watching him. He took all of the precautions.

“I heard you walking around”, standing only a foot away from the thief and arrow only a few inches from his face.

“Really? Fine. To be honest I did steal from you but only enough for me to get out of this shit hole forest”, if he kept lying he was going to be shot in the face so he decided to confess.

“We don't take kindly to thieves”, the blonde drew the bow string back. Craig was getting mentally ready to make an escape as he stared into the Barbarian’s green eyes. The thief was strong to feel a bit nervous considering the blonde's accuracy with managing to pin his cape near the neck while he was running with full speed. “I'm going to kill you, aren't you scared?”

“Oh, no. I'm terrified. I just don't show it on my face”, Craig watched the barbarian bite his lip as if he stopping himself from laughing. After a few moments passed the barbarian lowered his bow.

“It's your lucky day. I'll let you live but I can't have you waking anyone up this late at night”, the barbarians words baffled the thief as he watched the blonde reach into his pocket and pull out some kind of stick. The thief was ready to run for his life a few moments ago and certainly wasn't expecting what happened next.

The barbarian snatched his wrist and pulled off the thief glove. Craig became increasingly more confused. The blonde apologized as he held the stick which was a wooden pipe between his lips. “S-sorry about this”. Craig was completely lost until he felt a small prick on his exposed wrist. He looked down to see a small dart.

“Oh fuck”, his consciousness was fading. He mustered all the energy he had left to lift his free hand and flipped off the barbarian before getting knocked out.

**Author's Note:**

> https://kuroxanarts.tumblr.com
> 
> If you want to look at my Creek art there's my Tumblr.


End file.
